Reality?

This morning while I was flexing in the mirror, pretending I’m being photographed for my highly anticipated cover of muscle magazine, I had an interesting thought. We all have a horribly false sense of reality. It was when the snoopy towel fell from my waist that this shocking truth rang true. Don’t live in denial boys and girls –ALL OF YOU do this after a morning shower (remember: liars go to hell.) Somewhere in our own minds we are just one week at the gym or an hour in the tanning bed away from looking like a sexy monkey! Maybe it’s the vulnerability of being half naked. I personally think the steam from the shower distorts our reflection. But, whatever it is, there is one fact that we can’t deny –our ego is specifically designed to lie to us like a vacuum salesman.

So, if this is true, then what is reality? I quickly turned to the most valuable resource available to answer this overwhelming philosophical question…..my television. After all, this is where all the heavy hitters and CEO’s go for their daily dose of “what’s happening”. I hear Bill Gates never misses an episode of The Surreal Life. Common now; it says reality television right there on the description. Who am I to argue? So, this is where I decided to begin studying our daily perceptions.

With the understanding that some of you are quite dense, I will take you through this step by step- real scientific like.

My hypothesis is: All humans are openly seduced by reality television because of their own mirror posing distortions of “self”. The mathematical equation for this is:

S= REALITY x HOME ON FRIDAY NIGHT
all over value ~PARIS HILTON

Let’s make the VALUE of S be “Stupid.”

After a full week in front of my TV watching nothing but these shows, I truly wanted to gouge my eyes out. I did manage to take notes between six packs and piss breaks (you can thank me later). I then carefully evaluated the data. Although everything written after eight pm was completely illegible, I was able to render some very interesting conclusions.

First and foremost, my (now educated) calculations have shown that stupid is not the value for S. Instead, it’s Shut the F up! Thusly, the answer to the former calculation will now be written:

(Sf ) to the power of Are You Fucking Serious?

There is a gaggle of shows highlighting the twisted lives of the rich and retarded shuffled in between hour long rants by the left behind Hollywood stars of yesteryear. I don’t remember ever having a midget and a female wrestler having an argument about toast in my kitchen. I don’t know about you, but nobody has ever challenged me to a cockroach eating contest either. I’m usually satisfied with a good game of quarters –maybe even hide the cookie if it’s a particularly wild Friday night.

So, raise your hand if you have had the chance to roam the United States in an RV suckering country folk out of goods and services. Yeah –that’s hot…but me neither. And as for the Gastino girls, I’d have them in a sandwich, but if I have to hear how busy and full of drama their lives are for ten more seconds I will indeed kill myself.

This is not reality folks. Reality is the random hair that keeps growing off the top of my ear. "What do you want with me hair?!" It also seems pretty fucking real when the student loan Gestapo calls me for the fourth time this month. Sorry, I gave at the liquor store.

I think the closest morsel of truth in any of the shows I watched was The Apprentice. Even that was complete bullshit. None of these wannabe millionaire suite types would get anywhere in the real world. Sure, they may be a sucess in the BIZ world, but let's see them do what I do! That does not really amount to much.....really a monkey could do it....better. ANYWAY!

I know this whole thing was supposed to be scientific and all, but a migraine just set in. In conclusion, the only reality we all share happens on the crapper. Love Ya’ -F U