Elevator Un-truster

I have a deep seeded fear of the whole elevator thing. Not so much the fact that I’m in a box suspended by a cable that some guy named “Bob” or “Hank” installed, although that does bring up issues. No, its more about the automatic doors that gives me The Fear.

I don’t trust them.

First of all, they really have a mind of their own. When you get in, you promptly hit the desired floor. Then….nothing. Its like the door is thinking it over.

“Do you really want THAT floor dude?”

“Uhh….yup.”

“I hear that the girls up on 5 are a trip!”

“No, no….7 is fine.”

Still the doors remain open. WTF! I’m ready for elevation!

Only when you reach for the Door Close button (which I am convinced is attached to nothing at all) do the doors begin to lumber shut. I’m now matching wits with this fucking thing! But that is only the beginning.

Have you ever been running to the elevator as the doors are about to shut? And someone is inside –staring back at you? “Hold the elevator!”

Yeah, you better hope it’s not me in the box, because I ain’t sticking my arm out to stop the door like some short, chubby version of Superman. Wait for the next one.

Where is the research on the automatic stop and re-open function on this thing anyway? I’ve never seen it. Now I have The Fear.

What if I put my arm out, and the door shuts on it? AND THEN IT STARTS MOVING?!! Not me man. I write with my left, and jerk with the right. I need them both!

THEN, there is always the other scenario where some guy gets there just in time to throw HIS arm in the closing maiden of dismemberment! Now I’m in trouble because I will be stuck with a severed arm in the box……WITH ME! What do you do? I’m not touching it. What if it moves?

These are the things that rattle around in my noggin every time I head up to work.

Maybe I just don’t want to go, and I’m trying to lay it off on the elevator. Sorry for being so harsh taxi of the vertical. Let’s be friends.

Ok…..I hit 7………..let’s fucking move!!

FU