Fatty Fat Fat Tuesday

So, last night I got dragged out to the big party –for the big hoopla –on the night before millions put burnt wood on their forehead and pray. I know that traditionally this is considered a very special holiday, but I really think it’s just a legitimizing way to get blasted on a work night.

It was while sitting with friends, among the hundreds of beaded and drunk hotties, that I realized something very important. I have become out of date. Yup….I’m past my expiration date by a few years. This means that you might use me in a pinch, but you’d much rather seek out a…………..younger model.

Here are some very important clues that you too are past your freshness date:

1. The return glance from a chick is more of a “You’re not really looking at me….are you?”

2. You start referring to the pop culture as “Those kids.”

3. Women you are with openly point out men they would like to “Hook Up” with, rather than actively hitting on you.

4. You have no clue what “Hook Up” is, or how to achieve it.

5. The girl heading your direction, ultimately just wants the empty chair next to you for her friend.

6. You no longer look cool while getting drunk. You just look drunk.

7. You begin to have serious contempt issues for really hot women, and it’s freaking you out just a little.

8. You begin to scan the room for women you think might screw you, rather than casing for “hotties.”

9. You will have to tell the same woman your name……like five times in an hour.

10. The same woman calls you “Greg” on her way to someone else’s table.

11. Bottle beer, can beer…..whatever.

12. You look like a fucknut with beads around your neck. Not cool at all.

13. More porn vs. actual female contact.

14. Its becoming harder to validate the time expenditure of shaving your nuts, vs. the actuality someone is going to be near them.

15. Your favorite music has shifted to the “classic rock” station.

If this is you in any way, fear not. Or….go ahead and fear. I don’t care either way. I have my own fucking problems!

FU