To Be Sure
I was just thinking today (while trying to keep my car from being towed) that there are just some things in this world that you can’t predict.
Like- an ass itch for instance. It can come out of absolutely nowhere, and most likely when you’re among strangers.
So- in true Frank fashion, let’s roll with another of my famous lists.
WHEN YOU CAN’T PREDICT WHAT’S NEXT –AT LEAST BE SURE OF THE FOLLOWING:
1. If you go out after work, leave your business cards in the car. Really….do it.
2. Don’t be a pushy prick.
3. Don’t pick your ear and look at it. People notice that shit.
4. Never ever eat Italian on the first date. Or….any date really. You will get married some day, be a slob eater then.
5. If you are pretending to talk on your cell to avoid someone….be sure you turn the fucking ringer off! Embarrassing.
6. If you TOTALY sure what you are doing, you’re probably breaking it.
7. Life sucks sometimes. Walk it off!
8. Never say “Tomorrow is another day!” -we all know it is. Tomorrow can’t ever be something else.
9. If you are waiting long periods of time for something, bring candy.
10. Tow truck drivers will let loose of your car for a cool $20, it seems.
11. A good movie is like sex. You really enjoyed it, but when it’s over –there is just some old popcorn……and small talk.
12. Lists are good for talking out your ass.
13. If you are currently talking out YOUR ass –refer to #6 and #7.
14. Always be confident….even if you’ve been a choad. At least then you’re a choad that stands tall!
15. Only morons try to be “cool” –because all “cool” people are morons. “Total morons” are usually the coolest though.
16. If you have a kid –be SURE you have all the THOMAS movies, then flush your head in the toilet. If you don’t know what THOMAS is –I fucking hate you.
17. The bigger the words you use in a conversation, the higher the odds someone is going to ask you to spell one of them.
18. Don’t be afraid to admit mistakes. Failure smells, but pride can drive out a small town.
19. Everything ends badly, or it would still be going.
20. If it walks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it’s a platypus. SEE. Nothing is ever as it seems….well…accept for Brussel sprouts. They suck as bad as they look.
Ok....I'm spent.
FU
Like- an ass itch for instance. It can come out of absolutely nowhere, and most likely when you’re among strangers.
So- in true Frank fashion, let’s roll with another of my famous lists.
WHEN YOU CAN’T PREDICT WHAT’S NEXT –AT LEAST BE SURE OF THE FOLLOWING:
1. If you go out after work, leave your business cards in the car. Really….do it.
2. Don’t be a pushy prick.
3. Don’t pick your ear and look at it. People notice that shit.
4. Never ever eat Italian on the first date. Or….any date really. You will get married some day, be a slob eater then.
5. If you are pretending to talk on your cell to avoid someone….be sure you turn the fucking ringer off! Embarrassing.
6. If you TOTALY sure what you are doing, you’re probably breaking it.
7. Life sucks sometimes. Walk it off!
8. Never say “Tomorrow is another day!” -we all know it is. Tomorrow can’t ever be something else.
9. If you are waiting long periods of time for something, bring candy.
10. Tow truck drivers will let loose of your car for a cool $20, it seems.
11. A good movie is like sex. You really enjoyed it, but when it’s over –there is just some old popcorn……and small talk.
12. Lists are good for talking out your ass.
13. If you are currently talking out YOUR ass –refer to #6 and #7.
14. Always be confident….even if you’ve been a choad. At least then you’re a choad that stands tall!
15. Only morons try to be “cool” –because all “cool” people are morons. “Total morons” are usually the coolest though.
16. If you have a kid –be SURE you have all the THOMAS movies, then flush your head in the toilet. If you don’t know what THOMAS is –I fucking hate you.
17. The bigger the words you use in a conversation, the higher the odds someone is going to ask you to spell one of them.
18. Don’t be afraid to admit mistakes. Failure smells, but pride can drive out a small town.
19. Everything ends badly, or it would still be going.
20. If it walks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it’s a platypus. SEE. Nothing is ever as it seems….well…accept for Brussel sprouts. They suck as bad as they look.
Ok....I'm spent.
FU
posted by Frank Upton at 7:02 PM
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