POP! Take Two!

So, I’ve been a little………..pre-occupied the past week. Some time ago I wrote about my appendices or spleen or whatever (something mushy inside me at any rate) that was about to “pop.” Yeah –the problem came back. With a vengeance.

I was once again enjoying my idiotic display of softball skills (something to see if you are at all depressed….it will pep you right up.) I ran this way and that. I swung wildly into the air with a large stick. I drank beer. –fun for all!

Until….

Yup….I felt the fear. The fear was the pain. The pain was the POP!!

Instantly I was on the ground convulsing in agony with blood shooting out of every orifice like it was the rapture, with the ground shaking and the devil pushing up from the gates of hell AND HE LOOKS AT ME AND SAYS “YOU SHALL BE DISTROYED SMALL HUMAN!!!!!!!!”

………………………….not really. I just felt some mild discomfort. BUT THE NEXT MORNING FUCKING SUCKED! I had such a sharp pain in my right side, that I instantly set an appointment to see the doc.

It went like this:

Doc: Again?

Me: Yup.

Doc: Does this hurt?

Me: Yup

Doc: How about this?

Me: Yes!

Doc: And……..here?

Me: FUCKING YES!! ALL THAT HURTS!!! Good Christ!

Doc: CT scan.

Me: ……….huh?

Doc: You need to fast first.

Me: ……..like a Hindu?

Doc: Muslim.

Me: Who?

OK THAT’S ENOGH!!

So it seemed that I was going to ANOTHER office. I was to be subjected to some kind of torture device that wiggled its way into the world of science under a little known technicality. A CT scan. It looks like a giant donut that they slide you back and forth through. But unlike the tasty treat, this one bombards your body with x-rays and y-rays and whatever other rays you don’t fucking find at KrispyCream!

If you didn’t walk in with cancer –you sure as hell walked out with a dandy jump start.

But…..I’m jumping ahead of myself. Let’s rewind to the moment I walked in.

This lady plopped two giant bottles in front of me after I signed in. Then handed me a straw.

Lady: Here, drink these within the next ten minutes.

Me: What is it?

Lady: DRINK IT!!!!!!!

Me: HOLY SHIT! OK!!!!!! slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp.

It was sort of cold, had the consistency of wet chalk, and was supposed to taste like strawberry. Whatever.

So, there I am, slurping away in a crowded waiting room, thinking about ditching the rest of this deal. BUT NO! The straw lady called my name, and that was that. In a matter of seconds, I was in another room. I was made to strip, then given blue scrubs. NOW, everything seems to be in place for this thing to start……..nope.

I have to wait. An HOUR!

Now, this guy gets me on the slab. I call it a slab, because it is narrow and hard –and slides through the donut hole. Comfy beds do none of these things.

Then there was the needle.

Yup. A needle. Big one. About a fucking FOOT LONG! Nobody said anything about me getting stuck with no fuc- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now, I would go ahead and continue about my adventure, but I have to go piss out another half gallon of that chalky strawberry stuff. Yuck.

OH! And the doctors still OFFICIALY have no OFFICIAL answer for my pains. All that, for another bottle of little pills.

Bitches.

FU