The List

Yesterday I was sitting at lunch with a friend, and a very shocking question was thrown at me like a mess of floppy cow shit. I was so thrown back by it, that I let a tiny little fart go.

Just a little sweeker.

(wow….cow shit and a fart joke…..in very close proximity. It’s an anal day)

ANYWAY, the question was simple –“What is your plan?”

The answer was - …………………………..*

Yeah –I didn’t have one. Not even a good line of BS to fill up the empty air with. I was just motionless, with a piece of lettuce hanging out of my mouth. Fucking catatonic in mid-bite.

A plan? I don’t have a fucking PLAN! Hell, my checkbook has been MIA for at least two months now, and I have never really looked for it. That’s how I roll.

The last plan I had landed me at the end of an isle with “The Wedding March” playing in the background. THAT one sure worked out for me.

After all these things flashed through my head, I realized that my friend was just sitting there…..staring at me.

“Oh……you wanted an answer?” It seemed she did.

I suddenly felt like the retarded brother in Something About Mary! “Frank and beans! Frank and beans!” But, in the end, I realized that I really did need to come up with some kind of……………plan.

So, in true Frank style, I came up with this list.

MY LIST OF PLANS

1. I plan to get a fucking life…..sometime after lunch.
2. I plan to have sex (with or without someone there)
3. I plan to walk over to the weird guy, who hangs out on the corner every day, and ask him what his fucking plan is.
4. I plan to make as many calls as possible on my cell phone while drunk.
5. I plan to have a nice day! If you don’t like it- fuck off!
6. I plan on pretending I am some kind of rock star in the bathroom mirror, and get caught by a co-worker.
7. I plan to plan……better.
8. I plan to have a long talk with myself…..and log it as an appointment.
9. I plan to once again try and hunt down a girl I dated in 12^th grade with the computer. Google, Myspace, fucking Classmates.com, and so on. I will then become depressed and disgusted with myself for trying to hunt down someone who cheated on me 4 times.
10. I plan to go smoke………I’ll be right back.
11. I plan to log that as an appointment.
12. I plan to meet Jessica Alba, and have her fall madly in love with me. We will jetset together and be photographed making out on the beach. Soon, a graphic sex tape will surface, and I will be asked to be on all the talk shows to blubber about the invasion of privacy.
13. I plan on reading about the guy in Afghanistan who is going to be put to death because he converted to Christianity, and say WTF?
14. I plan to fix all my problems by sending a mass e-mail to everyone I know that simply says “oops!”
15. I plan to NOT text ANYBODY, nor receive one –adding another day to my 11,646 day record of NOT TEXTING.
16. I plan to run away, and join the circus –have a devastating experience in a horrible trapeze accident- have Bruce Wayne adopt me- only to then get pissed off that he makes me wear green tights.
17. I just farted….that was un-planned.
18. I plan to force people to start calling me Skippy. I just like it.
19. I plan to make copies some time today, if I can find a way to hover my ass over the machine just right.
20. I plan to stop this shit at 20.

P.S.- Going back to lunch with my friend –I never did answer her. I just told her she had a giant booger hanging out of her nose, and she ran off to the bathroom. Go figure.

FU