The state of my UNION

It always seems to be a big freakin’ deal when the president does this, so why not? I have every right (and obligation) to walk up to the podium and look back and forth at little plastic see-through things that have my……..words on it. I’m sure you are all just dying with anticipation!

……………….and here we go!

“Ladies and gentlemen of the forum! The supreme leader of all that is Frank -within the realm and surrounding five foot circle of Frankworld…..Frank Upton!”

(loud applause)

Thank you! Thank you! I have come here tonight to say that the state of Frank’s union is full of hot wind and odiferous bullshit. Thus….all is well!

(louder applause)

First off, the state of our physical framework has gone though some changes, as you know, this year. We have seen the development of overhang near our equator, as well as drastic recession of our polar haircap. I have been assured by my department of self-evaluation that this is NOT a problem. Steps have been made in recent months to skew this phenomena by creating a new department in my administration. As of today, the Dapartment of Looking the Other Way has been put into action. As of today, we can once again deny all reality with clean hands!

(standing ovation)

Many individuals have come to me in recent months to discuss our union’s increase in demand for certain specialized liquids. Some would say that this administration does not have a real grip on the problem of the growing cost of these substances, and what it is doing to our overall deficit. I say NAY to these radicals! We have taken steps to lower the cost, and increase the volume of such liquids through an exclusive deal -recently struck with Milwaukee! Thus, less emphasis on imports!

(applause / some tears)

Now to the growing anxiety our union is facing due to the Female Terrorist Threat. I understand the desire to gender profile during these strenuous times. Last weeks burning of the Cosmopolitan Magazine headquarters shows me that we are on the verge of a breaking point. I tell you today, as your elected leader, that not all vaginas are terrorists. We must hold true our moral fortitude, and remember why we embraced them in the first place. They are kin to us, and should be cherished…..at least three times a week. And no longer will the crass term of “Trim” be allowed –no matter what they are wearing. We are civilized people, and those bitches will not bring us down!

Lastly, this administration will no longer answer to questions like “Why did you do that?” or “What were you thinking?” These things are protected by national security, and will only be answered from this point forward with a firm middle finger held high in the air. Thus, showing our nationalism.

I thank all of you for being here, and wish you all the best. If you need me, I will be in my office…..hoping SOMEBODY wants to give me a lickey loo!

(all stand in thundering ovation)

FU