My "Life Rate"......sucks

So, yesterday a friend of mine sent me a link, that led to one of those “Life Evaluator” websites. I had seen many of these before, but not quite as detailed as this one. While reevaluating my friendship with this individual (and her cheery “I bet this will make you feel better” message) I decided to give the damn thing a try.

It was either that, or another “Do I throw the radio in here with me or not?” showers.

After a few pages of crap, I got a highly organized readout of my shitty little existence.

It looked like this:

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	3.4
Mind:	4.3
Body:	3.5
Spirit:	4.1
Friends/Family:	6
Love:	0
Finance:	2.2
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Yup……..a fucking bar chart!

But that’s not all. No, no….my evaluation was just beginning. After downing a quick shot, I returned to the computer with a gun in my hand, and began to scroll. It was completely amazing to me that –yes…this thing is stupid, but it seemed so….real. Here I was in the privacy of my own home, and the internet was calling me a loser. TO MY FACE!!

The evaluation broke down my life into a few general categories. It was long winded and annoying, so I’ll give you the precious nuggets of info from each one:

Your life score is on the low end. Making key changes to different aspects of your life will bring you greater fulfillment. –Thanks dickhead. I’ll go change…..something.

Your mind score is rather low, which means that your mental state is not in tune. Learn to filter out the noise of everyday life. –In tune? Is it the red or green crystal that does that?!

You have a rather low body score, which means that your physical health is not in a good condition. You must put a higher priority on your body, focusing on nutrition, exercise, and stress reduction. –Great….now electronics are calling me fat. Fuck me!

You seem to be lacking in spirit. Improve your score by refining your beliefs and searching for answers to philosophical questions. –Here’s one for ya’. If a tree falls in the forest, will anyone hear me BEATING YOU ABOUT THE HEAD WITH THE FUCKING TRUNK??!! BEG FOR YOUR LIFE BITCH! BEG!!!!........sorry about that outburst.

Your friends and family score is not bad but can be improved. –For god sakes! Can I catch a break here?

Your love score is very low, indicating trouble. There is love out there for you. Seek the advice of wise people on how to go about finding it. –The only people I know who know how to find it, pay for it.

Your finance score indicates that your financial situation is in disarray. This is an all-too-common problem. –No shit.

Overall, I was a bit disappointed in my evaluation. So much so, I sent an e-mail back to my friend (who so graciously brightened my day.)

It went a bit like this:

Dear friend.

I hope all is well with you today. I just wanted to let you know that I have completed the evaluation you sent me, and I just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for sobering look in the shattered mirror of my hopes and dreams. Thanks for the reminder that my life does not only suck right now, but that other people know it. Thanks for the long, hot, blubbering cry that I incurred this afternoon. I needed it. I hope you don’t fall of a cliff, and/or burn to a crisp in a raging fire started by El Diablo himself! Fuck you. Have a nice day.

So, please…boys and girls….take the freakin’ test! Then go close your head in a car door!

Luv and kisses…….FU