Men, Women, and Irony

It is every clear that there are distinct differences in thinking between men and women. In many ways, it boils down to how things are perceived. There really IS NO objectivity between the sexes –only subjective anarchy. To better understand this, I took a poll of women (some I knew, some I didn’t, some hit me) to better understand why what is presented…..is not always what it means. I went about this study in a few different ways.

#1 –Q & A

I hit the streets to ask random questions or throw out statements. Here are a few of them.

• How are you? – Fine, why?
• You look nice. – Thanks! Wait….is there something on me? What? Where is it?
• That Mcphee girl sure can sing! – You just like her tits.
• What kind of coffee are you drinking? – Frappuccino. Nice 7-11 cup you got there.
• Would you like my card? – Great, thanks. (trashed in 15 seconds)
• Do you know where the halfway house is? – Sure, I would love to help….I’ll be RIGHT back.
• You smell nice. – I don’t want just ANYBODY sniffing me. Fuck off.

#2 –What They Meant

I jotted down common statements that I have heard from women throughout my years, and submitted it for analysis by a professional. In this case, it is a 28 year old secretary from my building. She decoded it for me in short order.

1. I’m tired. I no longer want to sleep with you.

2. What do you want to do? Make a decision idiot. If you turn it back on me, we’re through.

3. Are you watching this? I’m changing the channel.

4. This looks like a good movie. That’s what we’re seeing Friday night.

5. Did you see that girl? You DID, didn’t you! You asshole!

6. Where’s your bathroom? Time to see what you have in your medicine cabinet.

7. Yeah, I want kids someday? WELL?! Tick-tock, tick-tock!

8. Are these all the CDs you got? Your music selection sucks.

9. No. No.

10. Yes. Still no.

11. I want the chicken really bad, but I should get the salad. I want you to get the chicken so I can have a bite.

12. How does this look? I don’t care what you really think; just say it looks great before I cut your balls off.

13. I’m just not motivated enough to go to the store. You’re going to the store. Most likely to get tampons.

14. That was great! Statistically, there is a 67% chance I faked it.

15. Your size is just fine. I didn’t use the word big….so I’ve had bigger.

#3 –Observation

I work with mostly women, so I spend a lot of time with them in social situations. Between them, and random trips to the mall, I was able to collect valuable data.

1. If a woman is wearing a super low cut blouse, she wants you to look. Yet if you get caught, you’re a super ass. This has been a problem since women first threw bear skins over their shoulders –leaving one still semi exposed. What the hell do you people want from us anyway? They’re breasts……we like em’

2. If a woman says “call me!” –there is a criteria to meet. If you don’t call enough, you’re an uninterested arrogant prick. If you call too much, you’re a stalker. Who knew that getting laid was determined by a “magic number” of calls. One girl said the number was 3, but I think she’s lying to throw me off the trail.

3. Women want a sensitive man to have a relationship with. But, if you are one of them, wait in line while they date and fuck all the jerks who never call them back. Then bitch about it.

4. You CAN send stupid looking flowers. I’ve seen the conversations around a desk….and it’s brutal. Seriously, how long can you make fun of a vase? If you want the goddamn flowers, take them and like it –or give him his fucking forty bucks back! Personally, I lean towards calling cards as gifts. It really makes someone think.

5. Women tend to tell other women that they look “great today,” only to severely bash them when they leave earshot. This is a very common occurrence. As a result, when a woman says I look “great,” I promptly say “Fuck you too!”

6. Women control all aspects of sexual opportunity. It’s like knocking on doors. I don’t care if you’re Bard Pitt, if nobody opens the door, you’re still standing outside with your dick in your hand.

FU