30 Days of Random #3

I’m TOTALLY unreliable to do “30 days of random” in a row. NOT so random….huh?
Here are a few other unreliable things:
1 – My memory
2 – My car insurance card (ALWAYS have the OLD one on me)
3 – My pen (always out, or just explodes in my pocket)
4 – My mortgage company (WELLS FARGO SUCKS PEE-PEE!!!!!) *run far way if you have these choads.
5 – My ability to get everything done without some ASS asking me “Have you done THIS yet?”

****I’m back on track now……sort of.
F U

30 Days of Random #2

JUST ONE SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION…..

HI! This is Sarah. I wanted to confirm your overnight….well yeah?....I could look that up…No, not since yesterday!....How many do I have?...five…with what??....Well I told them to put it inside the foyer…..the foyer…..yeah, that thing in front…..MY front?....oh sorry, I was confused for a second…..what?....have I WHAT?!....no…..never……What closet?! That’s disgusting!....what does my younger sister have to………..WHAT?! Who is this??!!......hello?.....

ALWAYS be sure you don’t have the wrong number…..and a smartass on the other end of the line! CLASS DISMISSED!

30 Days of Random #1

I JUST CLEANED OUT MY BLAZER….
-My understanding is that you can tell a lot about a person by what crap you find in their automobile. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions:

23 empty packs of Camels (HOLY shit)
4 empty packs of breath strips
Half eaten candy cane
Old bottle of Armorol (travel size….never used)
Bev-nap with: “Park close enough to me –Asshole?!” scribbled on it. *DON’T even remember that.
Lipstick?........wha?
YuGiOh figure with super-action grip
Ice scraper (broken)
Little car trash bin (empty accept for an old piece of gum at the bottom)
44 separate sheets of paper –with mapquest directions on them.
Several assorted wrapped mints
8 pens
9 lighters
And a fucking book on how to make each day……”brighter”

THERE YA HAVE IT! Start those wheeles-a-spinnin!!!

I Forgot

It’s a bit nippley outside today…..and I fucking forgot my jacket somewhere this weekend. NICE! As I shivered my ass off this morning, I began to think about all the things I have forgot somewhere at the MOST inconvenient of times.

-Forgot my airplane tickets at home before a flight to Portland. I hurried back to my car, and peeled out for the apartment!!! Not five seconds later, my roommate ran into the airport with my fucking tickets! (told that ass he needed a cell phone)
-Forgot my fake ID before a concert in Downtown Dallas when I was 17. Was forced to stand outside for a few hours.
-Forgot my wallet at home before a blind date. She paid for everything, AND I had to watch her have a beer while I drank a Diet Coke. We never spoke again.
-Forgot the “funny money” that was given to me to use at a local strip club (the ONLY reason I agreed to go). Spent 150 bucks that night, and got blue-balls.
-Forgot my work computer at home before a big presentation. I was forced to use examples off my company’s website…..and a fucking dry-erase board. Didn’t get that sale.
-Forgot my wallet at a bar (wait for it…….) and got it back the next day- minus all the cash and credit cards. BUT- someone DID stuff a condom in it………* I have no idea why.
-Forgot my cell phone (yup…at a bar) and waited too long to suspend service because I stupidly thought I would find it. Someone made 200 bucks in international calls in less than 24 hours! Who the FUCK lives in central Venezuela anyway?

…..there’s more I forgot….but I have forgot. So…forget it!
F U
p.s.- NEVER forget your brain, and spill coffee on someone’s couch like a choad. Not funny or anything….but I’m a spiller.

So I hear....

As you all know (well, most of you who pay any attention to a fucking word I say) I enjoy mentally cataloging snippets of conversations that I have NOTHING to do with, and should stop…..but whatever. You should try it! It’s amazing what goes through your mind when you only hear “part” of what someone says. HERE IS THE LATEST!!

….what? And did it come out of your shirt?

Let’s just stop talking about elephants…ok?

…..but he refused to trim….so I ditched.

…only when I wash. The rest of the time I’m dry.

Did you know your number spells FUCK?

My bag is my bag…..because it’s my bag! What a bitch!

….and it was all nickels! For a whole fucking dollar!......just a big mess of nickels man.

What’s an eight-track??!

…..damn party……damn YouTube….DAMN IT!

What is this anyway? Can I just get a REGULAR fork?!

……was called Splatter….don’t know what they call it now….

It’s never for me anyway…..that’s why I’m a vegan.

I’ve heard of three legs…but two? What- does it just hop around?

….so then he said there are three kinds of “poopie”….had a fucking poster about it!

It keeps flopping out everywhere. Get a rubber band or something!!

HAVE A GOOD MONDAY!
F U

TAG! -your it! (not)

Ok…so my brother, being the cunning little “jokester” that he is, gave me a can of TAG for Christmas. For those of you who have no clue what this is –it’s an aerosol spray that, when applied vigorously to the body, should result in a slew of women clobbering all over each other to get to your manhood. Yeah…..sure.
BUT, me being a man of curiosity…I thought I would give it a little test.
This weekend I went out with some friends, and before hand (while hiding in my bathroom like a criminal) I peppered myself with TAG. The idea was to secretly see if this product truly effected women at the bar. I would do nothing more than stand next to them……..and wait.
AND………..here we go!
WOMAN #1 – I leaned against the bar and ordered a brew-haha. She was RIGHT NEXT to me- apparently enthralled by whatever bullshit was on Sports Center. So, I attempted to WAHFT my manly scent her direction. This motion made the bartender think I was trying to get HIS attention, and it became a whole situation about my beer being “just fine thanks” and so on. STILL no results from the blond……not even a fucking glance. STRIKE ONE!
WOMAN #2 – This chick was sitting alone at one of the cocktail tables, so I strategically placed myself at the next one. This created a back-to-back situation, with only about three inches of separation. I proceeded to fake a phone conversation, while secretly waving my arm behind me –again with the WHAFT. Moments later, I could just FEEL that someone was looking at me. Was it her? Did she turn towards my manly stank? I swiveled slowly, while still pretending to talk on my cell, and shot a glance over my shoulder. Well….somewhere between the beginning of my test and then, her boyfriend had arrived…..and HE was the one staring at me….with contempt. She then turned, pinching her finger between our two chairs. She yelped….I got up and left…..quickly. STRIKE TWO!
***At this point my buddies were wondering if I was a bit disoriented due to some kind of mild stroke or something. I was forced to explain my scientific endeavor……..to my dismay. NOW it’s some kind of fucking game! They wanted to pick the girls, and send me bouncing all over the fucking bar. Their job was to sit and laugh. WOMEN 3,4, AND 5 had similar results. THEN some girl came in looking quite pissed off. She plopped down at the bar and slammed her cell on its surface. I looked over to my friends, and five GROWN men were unanimously pointing at HER.
WOMAN #6 – I went up and motioned for another beer. Due to my confusion with the bartender earlier, he just ignored me. She looked my way, and I shot her a little smile. Test subject #6 responded with a quaint “What the fuck are you smiling at?” and then threatened to clock me in the head with her Razor phone if I didn’t back off! I slowly backed way, focusing my direction on the booming laughter of five fucksticks in the corner.
SUMMATION: TAG don’t do shit!!!!
F U

Resolutions are stupid! NOW... some I heard

1. Loose weight – If you need to make this as a resolution, you obviously don’t have the ability to control your flabby-flab any other time! What makes you think it will stick when you decide this over a slice of pizza and a beer New Year’s Eve?
2. Get a better job – Yeah! You and 30 million others this month! Stick with that shitty IT job….nobody fucks with you.
3. Be nicer to people – What for? Next time you walk down a busy street, just TRY to look people passing you in the EYE. Inevitably someone will look back and tell you to “shove it.”
4. Make new friends – If this means hitting happy hours and nightclubs….go ahead and scratch it! This takes money, and you still need a better job!!
5. Fall in love - ????? Just fall on a sword. It feels better, and ends faster.
6. Care for an elderly family member – HOSPICE doesn’t count dipshits!
7. Stop smoking – As I take a long drag from my yummy square…I say stop kidding yourself. Just go ahead and start NEXT YEAR’S list.
8. Become more politically active – Ummmm….have you SEEN those new electronic voting machines??!! Do yourself a favor and sleep in that day.
9. Go to church – Personally I feel god hears me better in the shower. You know….the acoustics and all. Then there’s Pat Robertson……don’t get me started. Just tithe yourself ok!
10. Random acts of kindness – (really heard this one) – Ok…like what? That guy you flew by yesterday on the freeway that had a flat tire? If you’re choosy about the act….it’s NOT random. Quit kidding yourself.

Let’s all just resolve to be who we were LAST year. If you were a choad then…well your still a choad. Have a drink and shut it!
F U