Party Anyone? (take2)

As promised, I am gunna give you a rundown of Saturday night’s “festivities” at the costume party.
Also, as expected, I fucking took the easy road and purchased a pair of scrubs- covered them in fake blood- and called it a damn day.
SO- the ETA to said party was to be around 9ish, but I was damned if I was going to show up alone, dressed like a choad, and end up at the bar alone doing the white-man head bob! So, I was going to wait to hear from the girl I was meeting there before hitting the road. Ummm….yeah, we all been there folks!
“I’m in the shower!” – ok
“Getten ready now!” – thought you already were
“Almost ready!” –uh-huh
BUT- it becomes SO worth it when that moment comes you finally get face to face………at like fuckin’ 11:30!!!! I coulda’ wrote an entire entry to PENTHOUSE forum in that time!
I’m getting ahead of myself though. Let’s rewind to the half hour I spent waiting for her at the bar.
THE COSTUMES:
Not even CLOSE to half the amount of people I thought were going to be dressed up….um- WERE! Holy shit! Now I REALLY DO feel like a choad! BUT- there WAS Kinky Friedman (I’m in Texas bitches), Napoleon Dynamite, a dude dressed up like one of the guys from A Clockwork Orange, like 3……no- 4 chicks with stuffed triple-D tits, a few fucks done up as assorted zombies or some shit, and a NAUTY angle in all black.
But- none of that’s the funny part.
THE CONVERSATION:
Kinky thought it would be a good idea to try and talk to one of the big tits. He smiles, she “sort of” does. He begins to talk -while chewing on his cigar like a cock, and she’s not so impressed. THEN- zombie 1 and zombie 2 walk up behind him at the bar. Seems zombie 1 may be boneing big tits, and zombie 2 was his wing man (I think he was boneing the other tits chick, but I could be wrong.) Kinky looked like he had just been cornered by two Democrats! What to do? Well- like all GOOD independents, he graciously bows out of the race. He may still have his pride…..but defiantly no pussy!
THE CHERRY ON TOP:
At this point, mind you it has been all of 30 minutes at the bar; I’m feeling a little over cooked. Two beers, no girl, and my scrubs are starting to itch in the crotch.
BUT- then I felt a “little blow” in my ear. WOW. There she was…..sneaky little shit. She SO checked me out from a far before walking up! Ya know -for weird shit….like 60 pounds I didn’t tell her about, or maybe a second head! (not to say I wasn’t fully expecting a 300 pound black woman- but that’s another story) BUT NO! All was good! I only had one head (well...on top) and she was neither 300 pounds, nor black. NOT BAD MR. UPTON!!
BUT- WHAT WAS SHE:
Gorgeous, blond, and dressed like a biker chick with the ass cut out of her jeans! AND- I only had to wait…..what?....4 hours for it!
Hell, I got the girl right?! TAKE THAT KINKY, YOU LITTLE PUSSY!!!!!!!!
FU

Buy 3, save $1.80!!

As you all know, smoking not only makes you look cool, but provides you with 10 essential vitamin and minerals. It makes your cloths, hair, hands, car, house, dog, PHONE smell like fucking MONEY! Every time I light up, I’m whisked away to the days of Marlboro Man commercials and stove-top jiffy pop! Smoking is the BEST!!
Yeah…..um…over it huh? I suck……smoke that is.
I don’t count how many I smoke in a day (so don’t ask) nor do I collect miles. The last thing I need is to have a bag full of ten thousand little promotional “dollars” to remind me that I’m killing myself.
Need to quit? Yeah- probably. Gunna? Um- proooooooooooooobablyyyyyyy not.
All I have to say is this –and it goes out to everyone that may have a FAG(no homo) in their mouth right now
STOP BITCHES!!!!!!!
Now, if you will excuse me- I have a date with the little corner behind my office we call the “cancer lounge.”
F U

WakeUp call

HOLY…..SHIT! I had one, very simple, thing to do this morning. For some reason….I BLEW it!
I was asked to make a call at 5 AM to make sure someone was up. Not hard because I always get up around 4:45 to play with myself, so I thought……no prob! Well….um…FUCK! How could this be? Where did I go wrong? WHY is it that she sent me a message this morning around six….waking ME up?
Well….let’s review.
Around 1 am – got off the phone.
1:05 am – got back on the computer.
1:08 am – realize I need to go to sleep.
1:15 am – still fucking here! Looking at stupid shit…NOT workin.
1:22 am – NOW I’m workin.
1:30 am – rub one out.
1:34 am – Pop a beer…a little late, but fuck it.
1:45 am – close down the computer.
1:50 am – open it again.
2:15 am – finished doing whatever it was I was doing.
2: 22 am – rub one out….again.
2: 28 am – fall asleep somewhere around this point.
WELL….NO SHIT I’m unreliable!! Maybe I should reevaluate my schedule. OR, just stop masturbating. It makes me sleepy.
SORRY SWEETS!
F U

My Show

I watched THE OFFICE tonight. Let’s face it, it’s a BRILIANT show! The uncomfortably factor is SO over the line….it makes me chubb up just a bit.
WOW, how could something that only lasts 30 minutes (19 with commercials) totally make me want to think about my life?......ummmm….because I’m FUCKED, that’s why!
OK- if you don’t watch the show….then sorry…this could get very hairy for you, but you may still be able to hang on.
Here it be:
THE SITUATION BETWEEN JIM AND PAM IS KILLING ME!!!!!! One person can’t stop thinking about the other, but is getting married. The other, feels the same way, but is too secluded and shy to talk about the feelings that bubble up every day! Sounds fun right?! NOOOOOOO!!!!!
It reminds me how fucked up emotions are. How can we figure them out? I dunno, but I think the real question is –do you have the balls to throw them out there…..and get denied?
PAM so wants to be with Jim- but is too proud now.
JIM wants to be with Pam- but does not want to be hurt again.
ME- I just hope that there is something out there that make me want to think about someone else THAT much. To look at a sign, or hear a joke, or even watch a commercial…..and think about someone.
I know I could (or maybe already do)- but the real question is….what do YOU do?
Well, if I was Jim, I would lay one on Pam so hard- she would never have to think about it again.
NUFF WITH THAT!!!!! I’ll be more cynical tomorrow!

FU

Party Anyone?

Ok…..I have a problem. Not ground breaking or anything, but just enough to make my butt clench up! It seems there is this…….costume party coming up. As you know, adults have more fun with this than kids EVER did, simply because you mix in a little alcohol and innuendo (nice). This aint no door to door shit!
BUT- the problem is that I will be walking into a room of people I don’t know….dressed like what?....a PENIS?! Hummmmm…no. I REALLY want to go for a number of reasons….but I gotta weigh this out. Let’s see…how could I…..figure….(wait for it)…
THAT’S RIGHT!!! A LIST!!!!

POSSIBLE COSTUMES FOR MR. UPTON:
1. How about one of those big diapers, and an oversized rattle! I could get some chick to burp me! – no, not so much.
2. Go as a homeless man! Most of my cloths fit the bill already! – nah…could be stopped at the door.
3. OH! Go as FLEA from the CHILI PEPPERS with nuttin but a gym sock on my johnson! – ummm..too cold.
4. Secret agent? – sucks. A retired one maybe…..or fired.
5. Could always go the Dracula route. – more than likely, though, some OTHER Dracula will show up, and THEN it becomes a battle of wits. “Nice cape man.” “Nice fangs, asshole.”
6. What about the whole “RODEO TEXAN” idea? – ahh, most people would think I’m just coming from work….that’s out. (all you Yankees out there…that was for you)
7. How about just building a shower curtain around myself, spout and all, so that I can hide inside it! – yeah…I know…too Karate Kid. DAMN you Ralph Macchio!!
8. Cartoon characters are always a winner. But -then you’re forced to try and figure witch one best fits your personality. -- I’m NOT going as “Deputy Dawg”!!! Fuck you –forget it!!
9. Oh! Oh! I could……………no, forget it --don’t know where to get eighty pounds of jell-o.
10. Maybe I’ll just throw on scrubs, and be one of the 50 people there representing the medical services. Kinda throwing in the towel on that one, but time is short….and Deputy Dawg is a LAST resort.
All in all, this could get very interesting. I’m sure I’ll have a doosy of a story after! I’ll be sure to share.
F U

YUP!

I have recently realized something. There is no greater feeling in the world, than to think that someone out there is thinking about you. It can excel you…but also destroy your inner thoughts.
Coming from a world of hell with my last stint with giving a shit- I have been MORE than hesitant with that kind of emotion. But, sometimes you let your guard down….and BLAM- you are a jackass again!
I’m cooked- turn me over- I hope you like your UPTON well done!!!!

BEHOLD the 2 CHESTERS!

BUCKLE IN PEOPLE –this is a long one!
I had a few things to take care of this morning, so like a good little boy, I started early. Little did I know that simply entering the corner stop-n-rob for a pack of smokes that my REAL adventure would begin.
The store was pretty empty at that moment, so I was able to pop right up to the counter- now just second in line. The woman in front of me IMMIDEATLY caught my eye. She was attractive, well put together, and by her dress I could only assume she had just left one of the MILLION churches that run up and down that street. I watched her pull out a hundred dollar bill, and hand it to the clerk. (nice hands)
Now, if I had not taken such notice of this woman, I would not have gotten into the situation that was about to unfold. But I did…….thus we begin.
The guy handed her the change, said thanks, and was already turning his glassy eyed attention to me, when the woman suddenly popped back into the situation.
“Uh….I gave you a hundred, and this is just change for a twenty.”
“No you didn’t.”
Oh, yeah…I did!”
Immediately there was some kind of staring contest of very uncomfortable proportions occurring. Neither of them were talking, just silence while she held up her change with wide eyes.
“I did.”
“No……you gave me a twenty.”
I could hear the voice in my head yelling at me to just stay out of it! Don’t get involved! RUN, there are other stores! But- I was compelled to jump into the battle because I DID see the bill as I gawked at her.
“Um…(looking at his nametag) Chester…I saw the hundred she handed you.” I felt better. I just solved the whole fucking thing. Good work Mr. Upton!
Well…..not so much. Chester whipped his head to me, and in an accusatory tone blurted “No you did NOT sir.” Ohhhh……now it’s fucking ON.
“Chester, I saw you slide it in that little slit under the drawer. Look in there!”
He started fumbling with the register, grumbling to himself. The woman shot me a kind smile, but was obviously rattled. Now I was pissed! Sunday Dress lady was upset over Chester’s stupidity……and the line was beginning to grow behind us.
“There are TWO hundred dollar bills under here.”
“Ok?”
“Well if there was only ONE, I would say you had something there. There’s no telling now.”
A long windy grumble came in stereo from behind us. “Is someone else working right now?” I heard from the fat man holding a twelve pack of Pepsi and Twinkies. This was spinning out of control, and I felt that me and Sunday Dress were loosin!
JUST THEN (here we go) another man stepped up behind Chester. “Is there a problem?”
“Yeah.” I said as I looked at HIS nametag….”Chester?” Ok, WTF??!! TWO Chesters? There are no greater odds in the fucking WORLD!
“Ok, Chester..” They both said “Yes?” …….oh my GOD!
“You (pointing at the new Chester)..THIS Chester here (pointing at old Chester) took a hundred form this lady, and only gave her change for a twenty.”
***SIDE NOTE: People are now leaving the store, cussing under their breath and slamming through the front doors.
“Well,” New Chester said, “The only way to be sure, is to count down the drawer.”
You could SO hear it in his voice that he thought that it would deter us.
Finally, Sunday Dress found her chance, and dove in. “Look, do whatever you HAVE to do to figure out what I gave you, or FIND someone who can take care of this NOW! Frankly I’m getting real sick of this routine from both of you….CHESTERS….what are you brothers or something??!!!”
HOLY SHIT! I looked over to her with a shit eating grin, and she looked back like she couldn’t believe she just did that.
LONG STORY SHORT- she DID get her correct change back, and we left the store. We talked for a while outside, and she told me her name was Shelly. THEN she asked for my number (noooooot BAD Mr. Upton). We traded numbers, and said we would get together for a drink soon.
JUST THEN- Old Chester walked out with a smoke in his hand. He looked at us crossly as he walked by. “I really thought you gave me a twenty lady!”
“Fuck off Chester!” Shelly said bluntly.
Not bad for a girl that just came from church…..not bad.
F U

Just play cards IDIOT!

I’m writing this now, simply because I may not remember all of it tomorrow!
I had friends over tonight, and we began to do what all fifth appendages do in a large group….played cards! (unless you are in prison…and I feel for ya.)
Of course, the conversation of sex came up (6 cocks in 1 room does that)- wait……wha?
ANYWAY, we got into the conversation of the ….ummmm….female ORGASIM. It was interesting to know that half the room had no desire to exert themselves beyond their own NUT.
I don’t even think they knew women could HAVE an orgasm “beyond theory.”
Truly disturbing, but whatever.
When it came down to the “nuts” of the matter, we all decided to come up with a list of things that may, or may not, make a woman….ummmmm….in the mood to get to “said” orgasm.
HERE IT IS: (and we will do id bakkerds- Letterman style--)
10. Tell her she smells fantastic, thus getting in close enough to nip at her. – Chris, you will NEVER get laid with that.
9. Make a direct comment to her clothing. *ummm, like what? “Your tits look like they need a breather?”- Peter, you suck too.
8. You look like you need a good fuck. – no explanation needed, contributor
omitted.
7. Did you know that most men only want to be held? – again Peter, SUCK!
6. Can I buy you a drink? Or one for your beaver? –wha?
5. How many licks does it take to get to the cent***- ENOUGH- we are not using that one….for the third time!
4. Is this clam taken? – yeah….childish.
3. Walk up to her at the bar, and while holding a folded TWENTY ( I currently only have a 5 in my pocket) ask for the most expensive shot- then offer her one. (if she don’t puke, at least you may get some). –again….so wrong, but funny Robert.
2. Yup- that outline is a rubber in my pocket….and I don’t mean glove! -NOT one of mine- but I bet you thought it was.
1. If I had one of you at home, would never leave the house…..or dress.
What does this all mean? We don’t really know shit, and should just stick to the cards!
If this really SUCKS, don’t blame me. Blame the booze! I JUST WANTED TO SHARE!

FU

LOL!!!!

Staying with my RIVITING analysis of our CYBER world, I will put a little red bow on the week with this:
There is a new language in town ,boys and girls, and it’s ALL over my fucking screen. I have defined it as CYBERLYGOOK!

Definition: n.(from the Latin- Et Lazyca)1.Any, and all, words that can be shortened down to its most phonetical form, thus saving time during on-line chats and instant messaging. 2. Words forming a sentence with total disregard for correct spelling, grammar, or organization, by thirteen to twenty-five year olds, who never learned the correct spelling in the first place.
Now, to be sure, this kind of activity made me want to gouge my eyes out…..until…
I, ummmmm, started doing it. NOW- before you start throwing rocks….I’ll “expln”. I recently obtained a new phone. With this one, I fucking treated myself and got a full on bells and whistles model. It takes pictures, surfs the net, all kinds of texting features, and even tickles my rear on demand. So, it began. I tooled around with it long enough to have the inevitable happen.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
I was stunned! Someone had……TEXTED me. At first I didn’t know what to do. I held the phone to my ear….”hello?” Nuttin there. Just words. Then I read it. So….NOW WHAT? Do I text back? What do I say? Gotta think.
Very quickly I realized that I SUCKED at it! My first typed word was “geljm”. It was supposed to be hello, but…..not so much.
BUT-my friend did this sort of thing a lot, so I had to take a crash course. Before long, I was BEEPing away on my phone, typing shit all day. Then- it happened. Before I even REALIZED it, my words were getting shorter…..and shrter….and shrtr.
WELL HELL, what do you expect when you are doing it so much! Walking and texting, eating and texting, fucking TRYING TO DRIVE and texting……I was starting to pull my fucking hair out trying to negotiate words like “Whatever”! In a New York minute- that shit was shortened to “wtevr”.
I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to think that it’s affecting my brain. This morning my boss told a great joke, and I yelled out “LOL!!!”
FUCK………ME!!!
FU- hppy frdy.

This could be YOU

Apparently- we are all a bunch of fucking computer junkies –with asses that slowly flatten out like an undercooked pancake- as we sit…and sit….and OH stretch….now sit.
This fact has been reported by the “Stanford University School of Medicine” who did an EXTENSIVE study on the subject…..probably on the computer.
Basically- if you are a white male, mid 30’s, SINGLE, and really fucking bored, you will spend 30 HOURS a week on useless tooling around in cyberspace. Not only that, but they are comparing it to alcoholism. Yup- so you might as well start drinking your Jack STRAIGHT from the bottle my clickety-clackety friends.
Damn you STANFORD!!!!! Leave me the fuck alone! Go back to attaching diodes to rat’s nuts for calculating sperm count! That’s why the government gives you BILLIONS- to count spunk!
WHY am I so defensive? BECAUSE I am 32- WHITE- SINGLE- and usually have a beer in my hand while I surf!!!!
Damn…..depressing.
A QUICK NOTE: If there is ANY question as to the merit of the above study results, please refer to the "pic" just below this. NUFF SAID!
FU

Is it Because I have a TV for a head??!!

What the FUCK is that??!!! I…….that……you……AAHHH!!! We are three, no make that two, steps away from just plugging a coax into our assholes –and BOOM you’re in another world. No, no –don’t get up to pee, you may miss sumthin!!! Just sit in it and STEW!!!
MY GOD IN HEAVEN!!!!
I need a drink.
FU

This Week

Been a very long week! I can’t remember the last time I felt this raped…..well….there WAS that time in Tijuana….but that was a congressional get-together.... So- it don’t count.
BUT- there were a few zingers along the way this week….so I’ll fucking share. Get the popcorn.

FIRST:
I once again became aware of the ongoing desire for people to cheat. Yup….us guys think with our dicks…..and it ain’t that smart. MY dick can’t even spell D-I-C-K!!! Maybe it’s because of this-

But I’m not making excuses…….nice rack.

SECOND:
I now know that there are two kinds of people. Those that give:

















And those that take:
















Me….I’m somewhere in between, so I guess that’s why I can see both sides of idiocracy. You can’t just give all the time, because you come out like a “turd in summer” at the end. AND, if you just take, then…..well….fuck you! Everything is cyclical, and one day down the line you are going to get yours. Maybe this:














THIRD:I have seen more and more of THIS:








Knock the shit off! Wha….I……fuck! I just can’t say ENOUGH about the self important businessman with that fucking thing in his ear….”power-lunching”.
(*no offence to sweets tho- she looks good with it)
Half the time, there’s probably nuttin on the other end of that call.
COME OVER HERE BUDDY! I’ll show you where that thing should go! Hope those aren’t new pants.

LASTLY: What…..the…..FUCK is this all about?












We got war, famine, deficit, and an overall sense of dread in today’s world…..and that’s what we want to talk about? Please excuse me while I go blow my head off!

All and all, I think that it has been…..a week. ***good things happen tho…..you just have to recognize them as they come. Don’t be a choad! And don’t do this: -F U

Endless RANT for John

I don’t EVEN believe that someone could be so stupid while still being a SUPPOSED responsible individual with priorities and people that depend on them on the daily basis only to be ultimately disappointed by all the bullshit that comes out of their mouth without any regard of who it may effect or hurt through RETARTED and RELENTLESS child-like behavior that can only lead to a hellish death someplace in a FUCKING DITCH because of drunken decisions driven through horny thoughts and BEER GLASSES!!!!!!!
AND DON’T PRETEND YOU DON’T KNOW IT’S YOU!!!

Wow….that was fun. I love unloading.

F U – I hope you get better dude.

To Be Sure

I was just thinking today (while trying to keep my car from being towed) that there are just some things in this world that you can’t predict.
Like- an ass itch for instance. It can come out of absolutely nowhere, and most likely when you’re among strangers.
So- in true Frank fashion, let’s roll with another of my famous lists.

WHEN YOU CAN’T PREDICT WHAT’S NEXT –AT LEAST BE SURE OF THE FOLLOWING:

1. If you go out after work, leave your business cards in the car. Really….do it.
2. Don’t be a pushy prick.
3. Don’t pick your ear and look at it. People notice that shit.
4. Never ever eat Italian on the first date. Or….any date really. You will get married some day, be a slob eater then.
5. If you are pretending to talk on your cell to avoid someone….be sure you turn the fucking ringer off! Embarrassing.
6. If you TOTALY sure what you are doing, you’re probably breaking it.
7. Life sucks sometimes. Walk it off!
8. Never say “Tomorrow is another day!” -we all know it is. Tomorrow can’t ever be something else.
9. If you are waiting long periods of time for something, bring candy.
10. Tow truck drivers will let loose of your car for a cool $20, it seems.
11. A good movie is like sex. You really enjoyed it, but when it’s over –there is just some old popcorn……and small talk.
12. Lists are good for talking out your ass.
13. If you are currently talking out YOUR ass –refer to #6 and #7.
14. Always be confident….even if you’ve been a choad. At least then you’re a choad that stands tall!
15. Only morons try to be “cool” –because all “cool” people are morons. “Total morons” are usually the coolest though.
16. If you have a kid –be SURE you have all the THOMAS movies, then flush your head in the toilet. If you don’t know what THOMAS is –I fucking hate you.
17. The bigger the words you use in a conversation, the higher the odds someone is going to ask you to spell one of them.
18. Don’t be afraid to admit mistakes. Failure smells, but pride can drive out a small town.
19. Everything ends badly, or it would still be going.
20. If it walks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it’s a platypus. SEE. Nothing is ever as it seems….well…accept for Brussel sprouts. They suck as bad as they look.

Ok....I'm spent.

FU

What??

Been gone for a while, sorry. What happened was both of my arms got severed. Really. Horrible accident.
Anyway, all I could do is stare at my keyboard. I tried using my nose, but it started to bleed, and I made nothing but giBbERisH! Then, I got the bright idea to jam long pencils into my arm stumps….but it turns out that I would have to bend down so low, that my head kept hitting the monitor. Once desperation hit, I tried inviting the neighbor kid over to type for me, but then I saw the news about Mark Fowly (R-FL), and thought better of it. I don’t need no stinkin’ page scandal in my living room.
SO, I eventually bought new arms online (thanks neighbor Kelly-24-slim-likes walks in the rain –for helping me with that.)
The only problem….they sent me black ones. Ummmmmm…..I better start tanning….like now!
FU