And....There's your sign.

Uhhh....today I came across THIS sign during lunch. Wha.......why?.......I........OH FUCKING GOD IT'S MAKING MY HEAD BURST WITH STUPID QUESTIONS!!!!!!

1. What dipwad WROTE this sign for printing?

2. Why do we NEED it? What asshole is getting out of his car to TOUCH IT?!

3. WHY is there a bloody rag on the ground next to it?!! WHAT FUCKNUT did it last??!!

4. Did somebody have to come back out.....and round off the FUCKING CORNERS??!!

5. If it's a CAUTION sign, why oh WHY is the "BRIDGE OUT AHEAD" so goddamn SMALL??!!

6. .............WHERE IS THE FUCKING BRIDGE?! The ground is flat for miles! Is the fucking bridge in OHIO??!!!

........I need a beer.....

F U

To da BANK!

So- sitting around drunk the other day, me and my buddy decided that we were less than….um…”wealthy.” I mean fuck- we’re both early thirties, and we still keep our fucking savings in a water jug.
We both decided that it was the “man” or some shit “bringing us down.” So- what to do?
After careful evaluation of my pockets (two bucks in change) I devised a perfect plan. AND- it would only take about 12 hours of driving time, and a little "creativity!"
I said “Hey Bubba!” –he just farted in response- “Let’s show them bitches…we ain’t just a couple a….BITCHES!”

I’m the bitch on the right by the way…..



“Two HOTTIES rob bank in Georgia”

30 Days of Random #3

I’m TOTALLY unreliable to do “30 days of random” in a row. NOT so random….huh?
Here are a few other unreliable things:
1 – My memory
2 – My car insurance card (ALWAYS have the OLD one on me)
3 – My pen (always out, or just explodes in my pocket)
4 – My mortgage company (WELLS FARGO SUCKS PEE-PEE!!!!!) *run far way if you have these choads.
5 – My ability to get everything done without some ASS asking me “Have you done THIS yet?”

****I’m back on track now……sort of.
F U

30 Days of Random #2

JUST ONE SIDE OF THE CONVERSATION…..

HI! This is Sarah. I wanted to confirm your overnight….well yeah?....I could look that up…No, not since yesterday!....How many do I have?...five…with what??....Well I told them to put it inside the foyer…..the foyer…..yeah, that thing in front…..MY front?....oh sorry, I was confused for a second…..what?....have I WHAT?!....no…..never……What closet?! That’s disgusting!....what does my younger sister have to………..WHAT?! Who is this??!!......hello?.....

ALWAYS be sure you don’t have the wrong number…..and a smartass on the other end of the line! CLASS DISMISSED!

30 Days of Random #1

I JUST CLEANED OUT MY BLAZER….
-My understanding is that you can tell a lot about a person by what crap you find in their automobile. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions:

23 empty packs of Camels (HOLY shit)
4 empty packs of breath strips
Half eaten candy cane
Old bottle of Armorol (travel size….never used)
Bev-nap with: “Park close enough to me –Asshole?!” scribbled on it. *DON’T even remember that.
Lipstick?........wha?
YuGiOh figure with super-action grip
Ice scraper (broken)
Little car trash bin (empty accept for an old piece of gum at the bottom)
44 separate sheets of paper –with mapquest directions on them.
Several assorted wrapped mints
8 pens
9 lighters
And a fucking book on how to make each day……”brighter”

THERE YA HAVE IT! Start those wheeles-a-spinnin!!!

I Forgot

It’s a bit nippley outside today…..and I fucking forgot my jacket somewhere this weekend. NICE! As I shivered my ass off this morning, I began to think about all the things I have forgot somewhere at the MOST inconvenient of times.

-Forgot my airplane tickets at home before a flight to Portland. I hurried back to my car, and peeled out for the apartment!!! Not five seconds later, my roommate ran into the airport with my fucking tickets! (told that ass he needed a cell phone)
-Forgot my fake ID before a concert in Downtown Dallas when I was 17. Was forced to stand outside for a few hours.
-Forgot my wallet at home before a blind date. She paid for everything, AND I had to watch her have a beer while I drank a Diet Coke. We never spoke again.
-Forgot the “funny money” that was given to me to use at a local strip club (the ONLY reason I agreed to go). Spent 150 bucks that night, and got blue-balls.
-Forgot my work computer at home before a big presentation. I was forced to use examples off my company’s website…..and a fucking dry-erase board. Didn’t get that sale.
-Forgot my wallet at a bar (wait for it…….) and got it back the next day- minus all the cash and credit cards. BUT- someone DID stuff a condom in it………* I have no idea why.
-Forgot my cell phone (yup…at a bar) and waited too long to suspend service because I stupidly thought I would find it. Someone made 200 bucks in international calls in less than 24 hours! Who the FUCK lives in central Venezuela anyway?

…..there’s more I forgot….but I have forgot. So…forget it!
F U
p.s.- NEVER forget your brain, and spill coffee on someone’s couch like a choad. Not funny or anything….but I’m a spiller.

So I hear....

As you all know (well, most of you who pay any attention to a fucking word I say) I enjoy mentally cataloging snippets of conversations that I have NOTHING to do with, and should stop…..but whatever. You should try it! It’s amazing what goes through your mind when you only hear “part” of what someone says. HERE IS THE LATEST!!

….what? And did it come out of your shirt?

Let’s just stop talking about elephants…ok?

…..but he refused to trim….so I ditched.

…only when I wash. The rest of the time I’m dry.

Did you know your number spells FUCK?

My bag is my bag…..because it’s my bag! What a bitch!

….and it was all nickels! For a whole fucking dollar!......just a big mess of nickels man.

What’s an eight-track??!

…..damn party……damn YouTube….DAMN IT!

What is this anyway? Can I just get a REGULAR fork?!

……was called Splatter….don’t know what they call it now….

It’s never for me anyway…..that’s why I’m a vegan.

I’ve heard of three legs…but two? What- does it just hop around?

….so then he said there are three kinds of “poopie”….had a fucking poster about it!

It keeps flopping out everywhere. Get a rubber band or something!!

HAVE A GOOD MONDAY!
F U