gift WISH #5

HELL YEAH!!!!!
Now THIS is what I really need! It seems to me that riding around on a little moped that has a fucking BAZOOKA attached to it may finally get me some respect!
Or…..I blow you to kingdom come!!!!
I have a neighbor that has been giving me a shit load of grief lately. His damn kids keep climbing my tree out front, and hang shit from the branches. Yeah, sounds cute and all- kids will be kids…..right? NO! If I’m collecting the paper at 6 am, and I look up to see a sopping wet tampon dangling in the wind –IT’S NOT FUCKING CUTE!!
SO- please someone be nice enough to track one of these down for me! I will take great joy in chasing those little shits around with my new BAZOOKA BIKE!
Merry Christmas Johnny! Beep-Beep…….*BOOM*!!!!
F U

gift WISH #4

There is no greater gift than the gift of GOD…….bobbling around on your desk! In this case, it’s a BOBBLING JESUS- but good nuff.
I couldn’t think of any better protector to have with me as I make oodles of calls to people who either don’t care, or would just like to see me dead!
Whenever I get frustrated, I’ll just give Jesus a little tussle on the noggin- and he will freely swing….releasing his love. It’s like he says “Hiya’ Frank! I love you for the sinner you are…..tell that guy on the phone to blow it out his ASS!!!!!”
Thank you Jesus……….thank you.
F U

Fat America!

I couldn’t hold back! I HAD to post this picture.
All I have to say is……HOLY FUCK!!!! I’ve seen some fat “spill over” in my day, but WTF?!!! There is heavy…..and there is…well –a whole lotta ASS!!
Can somebody please, in God’s name, tell me how we’ve gotten to THIS??!
p.s.- My neighbor said I could put this picture up, as long as I cut out her upper half. Oops….did I just say that? Sorry Terry.….OH SHIT! I did it again!
F U

gift WISH #3

SONIC GRENADE
If only I had one of these when I was younger! My older brother was always oversleeping –thus I was always late for school. Couldn’t just leave the fucker in the bathroom while he furiously brushed his teeth!!!
Thanks to that shitstick, I now have this “paranoia” about being late…….to like ANYTHING!! Hell, I will sit on the crapper without even needing to….because I know that eventually I will. CAN’T be late for that!
SO –PLEASE buy this for me!!! The plan is to sneak over to his house (around 4 am sounds right) and lob the SONIC GRENADE through his fucking bedroom window!!!
That sound should do WONDERS for his newborn daughter!
Merry Christmas bitch!!!!!
F U

gift WISH #2

Nothing says Merry Christmas like this wonderful gift! For all of those tech junkies out there, this is the “must have” of this season. The USB “Humping Dog” storage stick. NOTHING would make me happier than to have a small pup hump the side of my laptop –as it SPEWS millions of bites into the “port”…….just panting away.
GET IT ON YOU LIL FUCKER!!!!!
(please folks- make my year……it’s pretty cheap too!)
F U

WISH #1

To get into the Christmas spirit (that’s right- CHRISTMAS!!!! You P.C. fucks!) I am going to start posting things that I would like to receive this year. Feel free to send them on to me (postage paid).
TO START- I would love this little item…..



Now, before you call me a malicious male PRICK- this will not be for me. It will be USED ON ME!! Twisted right?! Yup, I am fucking done with decision-making this year. Can’t seem to make the right ones, so here is a way I can just blame it on someone else!
*I hope to wear out the “Remove Clothes” button! For quicker service, I intend to wear nothing but sweats until new years!!
…..still trying to work out the “Boobs” and “PMS off” buttons. It’s not a perfect system.
F U

My Life is like My Ride

Too many miles on it….it’s tired now. It makes funny noises when I start it –something about the “catalytic converter” or some shit. The sound reminds me of a busted lawn mower. I have a tire that keeps going flat…..but I just keep putting air in it. I could have bought a new tire with quarters by now. The wipers won’t start when it’s raining –but wont stop when I try to wash the glass on a dusty day. It leans to the right….don’t know why. It idles high, so it always sounds like I’m trying to escape at a red light. It sputters, coughs, backfires, and exhaust leaks into the air vents. The spare tire hangs a little low under the back, so it bumps around. Seems there is NO WAY to tighten it. I can only start it and stop it 3 times in a day. Any more than that, and it gives my the “finger” by not starting at all. One headlight points too high -and the other too low. At night I look very confused. If I turn too hard to the right, I hear a crunching sound under my feet. That is a little disturbing. I have four large dents around the truck –looking like I ran around it with a bat. The back license plate became bent, so I pulled on it to fix the problem. I now have a cracked back bumper. The engine light has been on for 6 months solid! NOW- it blinks off and on like I’m some kind of inconsiderate father. “I’M BROKE ASSHOLE! CAN’T YOU SEE THAT??!!” It has failed inspection twice now, thus the sticker still reads “3 / 06”. Lastly, the digital dash goes in and out. Sometimes I feel like a Kennedy driving blind.

There it is…….My life = my Blazer. SUCKS!
F U

Just common sense!

I am a TRUE believer in “URI-SPACE”. For all the females out there –this will be as foreign to you as video golf, but for us guys…..Muy Importante!
Simply put, Uri-Space is the process of making sure there is AT LEAST one empty urinal between YOU….and the other fuck releaving himself in a public bathroom. ALSO- direct eye contact is strictly forbidden during this process. ONLY “2” RULES here folks –not hard to follow!
Yup…..not so much yesterday.
This particular bathroom facility (in a bar I frequent) has FIVE urinals to choose from. Moreover, I was the only one in the tiled sanctuary, so naturally I chose the last one to the left. Without a care in the world, I started pee-pee time.
THEN, this complete idiot (let’s call him Dick) comes in….and takes the urinal RIGHT NEXT TO ME!! Then, LOOKS AT ME while he unzips, and says “What’s up man?”
In one fell swoop, this jaggoff broke the code, AND made me clinch up mid-stream.
Without looking up, I attempted to convince my peter that it was ok to continue….to no avail. I was at an impasse. Do I respond? Do I abruptly move around him to the OTHER end?
I had no reference point to draw from in this situation. So….I panicked by responding with a mumbled “sup..”
Dick responded with “BOY!!! I gotta lotta piss over here!!” Then he blew a squeaker fart that made me jump.
In terror, I just stood there –unable to complete my business.
Soon, thank Christ, he was done. Adding insult to injury, he slapped me on the shoulder with his dick holding hand on the way out! “Later bud!” Dick yelled like a drunken frat boy….and was gone. (no hand washing occurred)
………..never did finish that pee.
The moral? – DON’T BE A DICK! UTALIZE URI-SPACE!
F U

Shut up -Stand STILL!!

HOLY SHIT!! The fucking ACLU is at it again! Now that airports want to implement full x-ray scans of passengers, they feel that it could lead to more DEPREVITY on the internet by crazies getting off on looking at…..THIS?
It’s against moral judgment, and brings to light too many privacy issues. -REALLY?
Does ANYBODY know who this man is…by simply looking at this picure??!!
Well….I do. It’s James Franklin! He lives at 1634 Anders St. in Boston! I went to high school with him, and we always KNEW he had a small dick!!! HAAAAA!!!!!
Good stuff James! How’s the wife?!
F U

KILLER TOYS!

What is up with people these days and toys? It seems that a toy can’t be built, fabricated, or assembled without some duche saying that it will KILL the child that comes near it! I remember when I was a kid –if the damn thing didn’t reach out and bite your face while telling you your mother was a whore…..it was just fine.
I just read a report about the “10 Deadliest toys” out this holiday season. All I have to say is PUSSIES!!!! Are you fucking kidding me about this? Is a doll with a detachable plastic sword REALLY the possible end to your child’s life?! OH…how about the ZIP-ITY DO DOLLY! The fucker has a button! …..that’s right people…..a BUTTON that “may” fall off.
….REALLY?! Are you really going to worry about the little button going into your damn snot-nose kid’s mouth -while the fucker devowers a bowl full of skittles??!!! Let’s face it America…..we have become a land of litigious fear-filled shit bags!
EXAMPLE: just a little list of the shit I played with in my “innocent” years…..

LAWN DARTS –remember these things? Essentially a tent steak with wings, but lots of fun! I still feel bad about piercing Todd Jenkins’ foot though…..I hear he still complains about it when he gets drunk.
WATER ROCKET –yup, a little plastic missile filled with about 50 PSI of water - hand pumped by a spastic ten year old! OK, so I once sent one through my parent’s kitchen window. BAD AIM….but not necessarily dangerous.
VOLCANO ISLAND –give a group of kids the chance to blow shit up…they will. THIS would never fly today. Think chemistry set with paper mache. FUN!
BOBA FETT (14 inch poseable action figure with launching backpack rocket) –That shit shot off his back faster than a speeding bullet!!! AWSOME!.....until I got hit in the nuts by a freak shot. To tell you the truth, that’s when I really discovered my nuts.
HUNGRY HIPPO –sounds very innocent, but trust me…….DANGER! Major finger cramps.

So….to put it simply –GET OVER IT PEOPLE!!!! Toys SHOULD be dangerous. If not, they really suck!
F U