Sorry

Sorry people- I have the Turkey Flu! Simply put….I’m bloated, nauseated, and keep farting feathers!
…………strange.
To keep you happy, I will amuse you with the following.

TEN WAYS TO KNOW SANTA HATES YOUR KID!
1. Initiated the “Shithead” list. Still the only one on it.
2. Stocking is used as a V.R.P.U. (versatile reindeer poo unit)
3. Kid wakes up with said stocking on his head.
4. All presents labeled “From: Santa” now have “There is no..” scribbled in pencil just above it.
5. Lump of coal is replaced with note reading “U AIN’T WORTH IT”
6. Letter to the North Pole is returned “Unable to Deliver.”
7. For mentioned letter has been opened, wadded up, refolded, and re-sealed with “Noel” tape.
8. Cookies for Santa scattered in the yard.
9. Dirty foot prints lead straight from the chimney to the backyard……and Fluffy is missing.
10. Note on bedroom door reads “Um……not so much kid!”

THERE! Now….please stop emailing me! I need rest. And a beer.
F U

A serious thought on Richards

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this, and find myself having very mixed emotions about the now famed Michael Richards outburst during a performance at “The Laugh Factory” last Friday night.
After an eight minute tirade aimed at a table of hecklers, using such racial slurs as “nigger” and “monkey”, Richards caused the entire venue to clear out in a blur of boos and finger pointing. He too ultimately dropped the mic in anger and left the stage. All of this, of course, was caught on video. A moment in history that many in the industry feel the former Seinfeld star will be hard pressed to live down. True: his actions were clearly out of line, but what “really” happened here? Was there to be a comeback/punch line, or did he just spin out of control?
“Getting the shaft” comes to mind. And this is why:
Sources from the club (namely local comedians from previous performances that Thursday, and early Friday night) reported that the table of “ethnic” gentleman had been there two nights in a row. Moreover, they had been nothing less than “…a pain in the fucking ass!” to any and all that had the balls to hit the stage at the famous California hotspot that saw such comedians as Rodney Dangerfield and Robin Williams make the grade. So what happened? Did they finally go too far, or did they just ultimately launch the perfect missile of bullshit they so sought?
I personally will be more than happy to take a world of shit by saying –I truly feel for the guy. After nearly a decade for trying to live down the “Kramer” persona, Richards was bound to have a moment of uncontrolled emotion.
Was it meant for the three black men in the back? I should say not. They happened to be African American -and fuckholes. It could have just as easily been a Caucasian….or hell, even an Arab. Would we be having this conversation if he screamed “towel head” eighteen times? Certainly a question to ponder over a cold beer.
Through frustration Richards took the situation too far, but to label him a racist is, in my opinion, going too far as well.
I support Michael Richards (without entering any plea of racism myself) and his continuing struggle to rebuild a career that I have admired as far back as his role of the crazy butler in “Transylvania 6500.” I challenge all of you to think long and hard about the judgments being slung his direction.
Plug along Michael Richards- this fan forgives you.
F U

ANOTHER 10 reasons...

10 REASONS WE MEN SUCK

1. We never quite know how to smell. Too many choices! ….stick with soap.
2. We laugh at things we shouldn’t. Apparently midgets aren’t as funny as WE think.
3. We yell at the television, find commercials mesmerizing, and never stay on a channel more than 5 seconds.
4. We think manners are something you catch when in a third world nation. There’s no ointment for that.
5. We think that we can’t get drunk if we stick to “lite beer”.
6. We don’t do well with small objects. If it’s smaller than a breadbox….we’ll loose it.
7. We don’t understand hints, innuendos, under talk, conjecture, or text messages that just say “what?”
8. We think that the “S” in Saturday means “Sit” around in your underwear and drink beer. All trips to the store must be done by noon.
9. We think a lotto ticket is a way to plan our future.
10. We like the phrase “What I do?” It’s as versatile as plastic wrap.

You STINK!!!!

HEY……FUCKOS!!
Don’t you know that only about 5 of you MAY get a fucking PS3?!! WHAT are you doing? WHY are you out here? WHERE is your fucking job??!!!

All I wanted to do yesterday was POP into Best Buy to grab a pack of CDs……and I am met by this group of choads by the door (thanks channel 8 for the pic). That guy in the front was scratchin his nuts as I passed. Nice dude….you must have a hell of a honey waiting for your ass at home…..(she’s fucking the neighbor who WENT to work today).
DON’T YOU KNOW that all the systems that are coming out at midnight tonight (all 400,000 of them) are SO fubar’d, that SONY is already building the de-bugged units? GET OUT OF LINE!!!!!!!
I SWEAR some guy, fucking with his PSP, said I had a nice ass as I walked back out of the store. Yup, the same guy who had a milk jug half full of some “mysterious” yellow liquid by his cute little pop-tent.
Umm…….cops please. I have a rouge public pisser over here!!!!

I’ll see all you choads in JANUARY –when the real PS3 hits the shelves.
GET OUT OF LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
F U

My buddy da' PHONE

I’m in sales, which means that I am a TOTAL whore, but that’s for another day. What is CHEWING at my ass right now is the fact that 50% of what I do is on the phone (the other 50% in person on my knees) –but FUCK….the phone action SUCKS!!
It’s like a game of chess between two blind people. Both want to win, but NEITHER have a clue where the fucking pieces are.
Why am I bitching about this now? Well….here is a winner of a call I just got off of!

Me: Morning! Is the owner in today?
Him: Who?
Me: The owner or manager? They runnin’ around there this morning?
Him: No. Can I take a message?
Me: Nah! I can try later. When are they usually there?
Him: Who?
Me: ………the owner.
Him: Ya mean me?
Me: You? Are you the owner?
Him: I…uh…I mean he isn’t here right now!
Me: But, I thought you just said YOU were the owner.
Him: No -the owner is Greg.
Me: Oh, ok…when does Greg roll in?
Him: Hold on a sec! (cell ringing in background)…..Hello? This is Greg.
----I wait as “Greg….not Greg” talks on his cell---
Him: Ya there?
Me: Yeah, Greg, I am.
Him: Greg isn’t here right now. Can I take a message?

All I can say about the process is……..FUCKING SHOOT ME!!!!!!
F U

Urban Myth? or Just Dumb?

Ok, so –I have been told that there are people out there who DIG in their ears with fucking KEYS!

Yup- car, house, safety deposit….pick your key! Then…..pick your ear?? WTF?
#1- this fact distressed me. #2- How could I be 32 and have never witnessed such a terrifying event?! Worse, the person who told me about it seems to see this kind of activity all the time. Am I really that un-observant? That couldn’t be it! I mean, let’s face it, I have witnessed everything from booger eaters to ass pickers (my favorite) in just about every social situation possible. But…..no key-to-ear action.
Thus….the facts at hand led me to believe that this was just another urban myth –like Bigfoot and The Banana Boy (long story). The only way to truly solve this mystery was to take a poll.
Over a 24 hour period, I questioned exactly 100 people. It was a simple one question survey that asked…..”What do you stick in your ear (other than a cue tip) to clean that shit out??!!”

HERE ARE THE RESULTS:
56 people admitted to using a finger. Index was the most popular, but a few liked the pinky.
31 people were apt to twist up a tissue into some sort of makeshift spear, and spin it around in there. This was usually done shamefully in a corner with no one around.
1 person preferred the eraser end of a good pencil to get the job done. Apparently rubber is the worlds best wax grabber. It was stated though, that the eraser was no longer good for….well…anything.
………AND,
HOLY SHIT! 12 people stated that, at one time or another, they had actually grabbed their car keys and went dirt diggin!!!!**
My god in heaven.
** no individual in this demographic agreed to show me said activity, nor did they want to be identified in any way.

-Looks like I have a call to make….to the Myth Busters.
…………………………..maybe there IS a Bigfoot after all.
F U

FILL ER UP!! = $32.60

UNBELIVEABLE!!!!
I was fueling up my gas guzzling mid-size SUV this morning (like all good American’s do) and realized that gas had…..umm….gone UP. WELL SHIT! Who didn’t see this coming?
Less than two fucking weeks after the elections, the shit has gone up 15 CENTS. Ummm….suspect much?! Could we really be THAT stupid not to catch the puke covered ball our government be throwin?!!
Let’s review this:
Elections coming = gas price drops
ELECTION DAY = lowest gas price in over two years
Elections FUCKING over = badda bing!-price at the pumps STEADILY rise.
Hmmmm…..
Americans = SHEEP?!

Bahh- Bahh – lick my ass!
F U

But.....It's Friday?!

I woke up a little early this morning, so it took extra long for me to really get into the groove of the day. You know that game- walking in a daze, still more asleep than awake.
This is the tiny span of time is where all the weird shit tends to happen. THE FOLLOWING is an account of those events.

I always get out of bed on the left. Today- spun out right………..there’s a wall there. THUMP!
In the shower I only had an “itty-bitty” sliver of soap left. Sort of like a fresh scent toothpick (hate that). Stepped out to get another…….and slipped. THUMP!
I turned on the t.v.- only to find it on the OXYGEN channel. Who the fuck did that? Could…….I have been watching……wha?
While dressing, the news was just background noise to keep me moving. I heard “Frank”- and promptly responded with “What?” OH- retard, it was a news story. I pulled up my pants and heard it again…………..I said “What?!” ……again.
There’s a coffee maker and a tea maker RIGHT NEXT to each other in my kitchen (don’t ask). I made a “maker” wrong turn, and downed a big swallow of fucking TEA! I’ll have the shits by noon.
Headed out back for my morning smoke. I opened the back door, but the screen was still closed………you figure out the rest. (fucking idiot)
I head out the front door for work. No keys. Go back inside. Head back out. Forgot my phone. Go back inside. Head out AGAIN…..keys now back on the table….inside.
I get in the car, and realize I have one black and one brown shoe on. Funny……but now I have to go BACK inside.
Front door’s locked. Keys in ignition.

This is the kind of thing that makes you terrified of what the rest of the day has in store for you. It’s only a matter of time before I get a ticket for speeding, slam my hand in the car door, and NOT QUITE make it to the office bathroom before my ass explodes form the fucking tea!!!!

TGIF mother fucker!!!!!
F U

VOICE #1

I found it alarming- but I know now that there’s a VIOCE that lives inside my head. We all have some kind of inner dialogue, but mine seems to….well….have a FUCKING attitude!
Seriously!! I mean HELL! What are you supposed to do when the “voice” tells you that you could use a little “direction”……from HIM!!!
He doesn’t even have a fucking body! What does he know anyway?! I was JUST fine before he started butting into my business on his little “2-way radio”. Apparently that’s all he could find up there….OH, and the 50’s style tv remote (he’s convinced it controls my crank). So, now, every day is an argument with…..MYSELF!

“whatcha doin?” -Boo-beep!
WORKING.
“oh……….looks like you misspelled something there.” -Boo-beep!
FUCK OFF!
“no need to get testy!.....hey, I was thinking…” –Boo-beep!
HA!...THAT’S RICH.
“….i was thinking you should grow a mustache.” –Boo-beep!
A WHA?.....I…..SHUT IT! WE’LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER!
“….sorry mr. cranky!” –Boo-beep! “….homo…” -Boo-beep!

This MUST sound crazy, but my inner voice has most defiantly taken on a life of its own! And I haven’t touched shrooms in like…..forever! So WTF??!!
I will be sure to keep all of you up to date on this crisis situation, but until then –I GOD’S NAME, ARE ANY OF YOU DOCTORS??!!!
F U
p.s.- “…….Frank’s a homo!...” –Boo-beep!
SHUT IT!!!!!!!!

HERE WE GO!!

Well, it looks like we got ourselves a DEMOCRATIC DC now. Yippee!!! It’s about time there was some fucking balance of power. A little tit-for-tat never hurt anybody……right?
………um….not so much!
Here is the fear I feel creeping up my leg –about to take a bite out of my nuts! Don’t get me wrong (really don’t ) I am elated about the results. A little surprised though. I guess the Republican’s computer hackers were stuck in a good game of EverQuest when the polls were winding down –shame, shame guys. But, there is a WHOLE new problem that is going to play out as long as our good buddy Bush (the Texan –NOT) is still in office.
This is how I see it:

Dem: Lookie lookie! I gotta new idea for a bill!
Rep: I object!!!!!
Dem: You can’t do that! We’re not in COURT!
Rep: I brought my gavel bitch!
Dem: That’s a pink dildo….you dildo!
Rep: I object!!! (shaking dildo in the air) I’m going to make a long winded speech until everyone leaves the room for a cocktail party.
Dem: There’re more of us than you now! PUT that down, and slowly back away!
Rep: You gotta wait your turn fucko! I have a whole recipe book by Dr. Phil to go through before I leave this podium. I can filibuster better than Ron Jeremy humps!
Dem: But…what about my cool new bill to help the American people??!!!
Rep: Wipe your ass with it- you sappy pinko liberal!!!!!!

Sounds like fun huh? Strap in people……we ‘bout to go for a ride!!!
F U

You Da Man?

I recently read this:

“A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. But if she's menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass…….while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.”

JUST REMEMBER BOYS- before you laugh at that one, be sure to check behind your girl’s bedroom door! There’s a lewiville slugger behind JUST ABOUT all of them.

F U

Oh Boy!

EVERYONE wants to believe in something. At the end of the day, we all want something to hold onto. Me- I’m fine with my Johnson (it doesn’t bitch or say that the trash needs to be taken out) but I could be the exception.
There are ten reasons till Sunday not to try, but what about Monday?
I recently realized that Monday was not such a good day. NOT because the boss wants to, once again, proposition me in the break room (long story)- but because the second you miss something great from the day before…..your in! In like FLINN- as they say.
Thoughts about others are like that last leftover piece of steak from Outback! YOU fuckin want it….but will gladly hand it over…..only to watch them eat it. You’re glad they got it, but it scares the SHIT out of you that you “ain’t smackin em” for doing it! Like I said- we all want something. It could be right in front of you….who knows?
Maybe this is just indigestion, but the whole thing reminds me of the words spout by a very wise man….
“Do…or do not. There IS no try.”
- Thanks Yoda…you fucking green son of a bitch!!!
F U

After 100's of these.....

A dedicated Upton reader recently sent this email:

“Dear Frank,
I love your posts, and always send them on to others because of the good laugh I get out of them. But there is, sorry to say, a small problem. I am an editor for a small paper outside of Chicago, and with that, have become more and more troubled over your writings. I find them full of run-on sentences, grammatically unsound thoughts, as well as themes that end abruptly; seemingly to lead nowhere.
Don’t perceive me as a prude, though, I feel with better training and education you could become a fantastic comedy writer. I would be happy to send you some suggestions for online classes and books that could help you in this respect.
Big fan! Keep it up!
-Kelly R.”

Well FUCK Kelly! Sorry to trouble you with my IGNORANT abilities to convey my little MESSAGE on this site! I do appreciate the accolades, but to put it bluntly –BEEN THERE with the proper hub-bub bullshit of CORRECT writing techniques. Not for me in this “respect.”
I write how I talk! That’s half the fucking humor. If it confuses you, just s-o-u-n-d it out. I tend to read my post aloud in the bathtub –while touching myself. This is only a suggestion, but if you aren’t too “prude”- maybe give it a try.
If you STILL have a problem with my grammar, at least you got off!
Thanks for the mail folks! “Keep it up!”
Big fan!
- F U
p.s.- Please don't hate me Kelly. You are ONLY the ump-teenth person to bring this up....and I can only take it for SO LONG before I......well......play with myself in the bathtub.

Very Nice....

I don’t know about you, but when brutha’ BUSH beats out KIM JONG-IL as one of the world's scariest people; my left butt cheek begins to twitch a bit!
Makes you wonder what the future holds – where we stand – if the rest of the world thinks we’re just a bunch of WINDOW LICKERS with worn down blackberries!
*wht U doin?
*shoppin- an U?
*I B chill wit a taco!
*LOL!!
Millions of years after we all blow ourselves up, super-evolved cockroaches will dig up a fossilized hand holding one of those things, and through advanced technology, be able to access the stored information.
THIS WILL BE OUR LEGACY:
*whr R U?
*on da shitr!
*LOL!! Me 2!!
……………………..we stink!
F U

BEAKER.........

Ok….this was a fucked dream….but here it goes.
I was walking down the street, and there was NOBODY around. What’s worse was, I was wearing something that looked like a throw back to the old MC Hammer days.
Can’t touch this – yeah, don’t wanna.
I noticed that I had an alarm clock in my left hand and a rubber chicken in my right. Suddenly the alarm clock goes off! DING! DING! DING! DING!!!!!!! It is so fucking loud, I HAVE to find a way to muffle the sound.
So…..I quickly shove it up the chicken’s ass. The chicken then turns his little rubber head up to me –“Quack, do I know you?” Ok…..the chicken talks.
No sooner did I hear someone running up to me. I turned to see Hailey Joel Osmond! He was in pajamas (the kind with the little footsies attached) and he’s holding a bottle of vodka. He slid to a stop, took a pull off the bottle, and said “I see BEAKER….”
“Who?”
“BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAKER….”
“……..The muppet?”
“Yes…..”
“Umm…that’s strange Hailey.”
“No fuckin shit, whatcha think the booze is for??!!”
As he took another good pull, there was a BOOM in the sky! We both looked up to see the sky turn red. The clouds parted with a CRACK!!! -and the Oscar Myer Weiner Mobile comes jetting out of the sky….skidding to a stop next to us. At the wheel was BORAT.
He smiles and says “I like zee sex, YES!”
Hailey looks shocked and takes a pull off the bottle, “BEEEEEEEEEAKER..” he whispers.

THEN I WAKE UP!!!!
So…..WTF??!!! What do you think it means? No more foreign beer for me!!!
F U